


you feel like you are drowning in memory and it looks like you can't be saved

by artsyspikedhair



Series: nonono, your brain shouts out as you remember the tragedy you're forced to call your life [2]
Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Asexual Grantaire, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Grantaire Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Acephobia, Internalized Transphobia, Mentions of Cancer, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Sexual Assault, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Grantaire, Trans Male Character, Victim Blaming, mentions of periods
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 06:57:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7834702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyspikedhair/pseuds/artsyspikedhair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You, Grantaire, are somehow not okay, even though to everyone else it looks like you are.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you feel like you are drowning in memory and it looks like you can't be saved

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. This includes a lot more emotional/physical abuse than the last installment. As always, be careful, and any feedback is welcome.

You are not okay in any sense of the word. You feel like you should be though. In all outside respects, you look fine. You take your antidepressants, you fake a smile almost all the time, and you haven't been self-harming, though you'd kill for the chance to do so if you wouldn't get caught. And the incident with Enjolras and the sexual assault thing is finally behind you. Nobody asked for an explanation, or, thank God, acted like you were some fragile thing that might break at any moment. Even though, in fact, you were. You hated feeling like this. It made you feel like you were still a _girl _ __, made you feel more dysphoric than ever. You had survived through the abuse. You no longer had to take blows and scratched arms, or put up with being called pathetic and weak and worthless and useless and-__

Well, you weren't getting called those names _out loud _ __anymore. You could still hear Azelma in your head, and the worst part was, it was always the most seemingly harmless things that caused it. Like Combeferre's new glasses looked just like her old ones, or the fact that the rugby club had posters with grass on them up, reminding you of the time she tackled you and sprayed you with a fucking hose because you didn't want to go swimming and didn't have the guts to tell her you were on the rag at the time. And then there was temple, where you actually had to _see __her. It didn't help that you were slowly befriending her sister, Eponine, although from the sounds of it, Eponine was living on the streets. She was smart though, and funny. It wasn't her fault she looked too much like her sister for you to ever truly relax around her. You had almost weekly anxiety attacks and flashbacks, and often on the walk to temple would contemplate committing suicide by jaywalking.___

You could never do that to your parents though. After your first and only suicide attempt, which you like to refer to as The Mouthwash Mishap, your mother cried so much you actually felt sorry for her. Of course, she was also guilt-tripping you for daring to self-harm while she was home, and not letting you stay home alone, but you deserved that. You think. You can never really tell if anything she does counts as abuse. You hope not. There's only so much a boy can take. And your father bears the brunt of it anyway, and he seems fine. 

Enjolras apologized a while back. You accepted, even though you still felt bitter. People _know _ __now, all thanks to him and your stupid antagonizing debate skills. You still like him though, which confuses you. You're too much of a nut job for him to ever like you back though, especially with you being ace and traumatized.__

You wonder about the being asexual bit of your identity. Because you never really thought of yourself as anything until eighth grade, and Liam groped/attacked you in seventh. Which means you could just be _afraid _ __of sex, and of what happened to you then happening again. You don't want to be a trauma victim. You don't want sex anyway, because you still look like a fucking girl under your clothes. You just want to stop feeling like you deserved it. You want to stop having the nightmares, and feeling him on you, and you just want it all to stop!__

The Eagle messages you on Tumblr one night while you're busy debating whether you deserved getting assaulted because you were constantly insulting Liam. You are tired, and want nothing more than to get your thoughts out of your head. So you type it all up, and, surprisingly, he listens without saying "I'm so sorry," or "that's terrible!" or some other pitying remark that would make you hate him. It makes sense that Eagle would be so considerate of you, considering you were both in the partial hospitalization for depression and problems with authority. He's gone through some shit too, with having cancer and his sister committing suicide and all. You feel kind of bad for putting this all on his shoulders, but he claims not to mind. 

He tells you it wasn't your fault, even though you insulted Liam over and over again, because Liam insulted you back each time. He tells you that you didn't ask for it by being trans, and that Liam is responsible for his own bullshit issues. He tells you that fighting back against Azelma doesn't mean you were a bad person. He tells you you will not end up like her. 

What's odd isn't that he says all this. What's odd is that you believe him.


End file.
